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I'm so depressed. I'm tired of this. I want to be happy again. And yet, the block may be that I'd rather stay sad and keep hoping that he'll come back than let it go and be happy on my own. I want to be happy, and I know he wronged me terribly and I know he may not come back in this life, but I was so sure. I was so certain that he was the one. In a way, I still am, and that's probably part of the problem. I'm so sad. I wish things were different. I wish he and I were both happy. It hurts me even more that he lives his life in pain and wouldn't let me help either, not that there's much I could've done but at least I try. I love him so much, I just hate this. It's been twice to three times the amount of time that we were together since we broke up and I don't feel much better than I did after the first month. This is horrible. Why is it like this? Why am I in so much pain? Why am I still in so much pain? Why can't this all just end. Sometimes I want everything to be over so I can get a moment's relief. This pain is so persistent it makes the body go numb with its ever-constant pressure. I wish it would leave. I wish it would let up, just for a moment. Just long enough to feel relief and remember what it feels like to be happy and carefree and remember what it feels like to not feel like this and bring me back hope that this will all end. I can't take this anymore. I want it to be gone. I want it to be done with. And I know that there's so much more to my life than this, but even when I was out west this was still pushing on me constantly. It's like having an open wound that never heals, a wound that, regardless of how amazing what I'm doing is and how great a time I'm having is still at the back of my mind and is still draining me as I slowly bleed out. This is too hard. I want it to be over. I can't take this anymore. I just can't.

Most of the time I just want to break down, I just want to cry and let it all out. But it won't come out, I can't seem to make it come out. I want to cry, I want it out of me, I want this feral demon tearing me apart from the inside to bubble out of my body, but it won't let go it's grip on my insides, in won't allow me to cry it out. I want it out so bad, I want to cry so bad, and yet, I haven't been able to...yet.


Wow, it's been over a year since I posted here. So much has changed.


Honestly, what are you doing right now?: filling out this survey.
Honestly, have you done something bad today?: Yes
Honestly, do you watch Disney channel?: If by disney you mean family, yes on occassion
Honestly, who is the last person you talked to on the phone?: Melanie B
Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?: Yes
Honestly, what makes you mad most of the time?: people, how they treat the world and it's inhabitants (human or non)
Honestly, do you want to see someone this very moment?: Yes
Honestly, do you have a friend you don't really like?: Yes, I'll be friends with anyone who wants to talk with me.


Can you blow a bubble?: Gum bubble? Yes
Can you dance?: Yes
Can you do a cart wheel?: Yes
Can you tie a cherry stem with your mouth?: I wish, that'd be a pretty hot talent.
Can you touch your toes?: Yes
Can you whistle?: Yes
Can you wiggle your ears?: Yes
Can you wiggle your nose?: Yes
Can you roll your tongue?: Yes
Can you make a clover with your tongue?: No :(


What do you do when you’re mad?: Listen to angry music.
What’s the worst thing you’ve done when you were mad?: Can't think of something, I tend to bottle my anger (aside from when its a specific person being stupid)
Ever made anyone cry when you were mad?: Probably
Do you swear when you’re mad?: Sometimes


Ever really cried your heart out?: Yes
Ever cried yourself to sleep?: Yes
Ever cried on your friend’s shoulder?: Yes
Ever cried over the same sex?: No
Do you cry when you get an injury?: No
Do certain songs make you cry?: No
Do certain movies make you cry?: No


Are you usually a happy person?: I go through phases
What makes you the happiest?: Being with a person I truly love
Does being with your friends make you happy?: Yes
Do you believe in yourself?: Yes
Do you wish you were happier?: Depends on my mood, right now I do
Is being happy overrated?: not really
Can music make you happy?: edit: Can music produce synthetic happiness? Yes


How many times have you had your heart broken?: 2 or 3, but one main one
Have you ever loved someone so much that you’d die for them?: Yes
Has anyone besides your friends/family ever said ‘I love you’ to you?: Yes


Do you actually hate anyone?: No
Ever made a hit list?: Maybe when I was younger, I don't remember
Have you ever been on a hit list?: Yes
Are you a mean bully?: No, I'm a docile bully? :S


Is your self-esteem extremely low?: No
Are you good looking?: Yes
Do you wish you could be someone else?: Sometimes


What is your current hair color?: naturally brown with a bit of highlights. Right now, still mostly brown, but kind of reddish because of hair die without bleaching first
Current piercings: lobes X 2, helix
Have any tattoos?: Not yet
Straight hair or curly?: Straight at this length, any longer and the retard wave comes in
What shirt are you wearing?: A pajama tank top
Pants: Pajama pants
Shoes: None
Necklace: Silver chain with a silver pentacle pendant that has a crescent moon on part of it made of what looks like vines.


Hugged someone: I'm not even going to validate this question with an answer.
Been on the phone until the sun came up?: Yes
Laughed so hard you peed in your pants?: Unfortunately
Laughed so hard you cried?: Yes
Got in a fight with someone?: Yes


Person you talked to in person:Melanie B
Person you talked to online: Zack from MWSR
Person you talked to on the phone: See above (this has already been asked)
Person you hugged: Melanie B


Do you like surveys?: Sometimes
Do you have mental breakdowns?: Rarely, but yes on occassion


Current mood: Depressed
Current music: none
Current thing I ought to be doing: Extended Essay
Current windows open: this, msn, undertheyewtree chat room
Current desktop picture: a picture I took of the pod of orcas I saw in the arctic
Current book: The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (I'm not kidding)


Did you ever get into a fist fight in school?: no, it's all girls
Did you ever run away from home?: Sort of, I intended on coming back at some point, only so that my parents would continue to pay me through school, but I really didn't want to go back. I walked out of the house with just what I had on, my wallet and my music, and I didn't come back for 2 days.


Do you know how to swim?:Yes
Do you like roller coasters?: Yes
Do you own a bike?: Yes
Do you think you could eat the stuff on those reality shows?: Yes (other than when they eat bugs)


Does hair loss run in your family at all?: No
Does your car get good gas mileage?: I don't have one nor can I drive
Does your family have family picnics?: No


Have you ever been on a plane?: Yes
Have you ever been asked out by someone?: Yes
Have you ever been to the ocean?: Yes
Have you ever painted your nails?: Yes


How did you find out about Facebook?: School (everyone was on it 24/7)
How many people are on your friend’s list?: 398
How many of them have you met in person?: 395 I think
How tall are you?: 5'3"
How much money do you have on you right now?: I don't know


Last person you hung out with?: Melanie B, Katrina and their friend Holly (Mel is visiting from Ireland right now)
Last thing someone said to you?: "definitely a good night"
Last time you slept in all morning? This morning
Last thing you said out loud?: Yesterday
Last thing you ate?: microwave grilled vegetable lasagna


What are you listening to?CSI is on the tele
What is the weather outside?: Gray
What radio station do you listen to?: Q107, 102.1 The Edge
What was the last restaurant you ate at?: Sushi2Go
What was the last thing you had to drink?: tap water
What was the last movie you watched?: Legends of the Fall


Who is your newest friend you added to Facebook?: Mila (I'm not gonna bother with her last name it's long and Russian)
Who was the last person you IM’ed? Zack from MWSR
Who was the last person you took pictures with?: Melanie B
Who has your heart?: Someone who isn't ready to have it
Who was the last person you said 'I love you' to?: Melanie B (platonically)


blarg. My friends all moved off of lj and onto xanga, and I want to join them all but I'm not willing to pay fees to have it not be plain white. So I'm sticking with livejournal. SO yeah, it's been a while, I have to read Great Expectations (which sux ass) as well as write a research essay on William Wallace which would be fine if my local library had any info on him. Such is why I spent 2 hours in the library searching through books about Edward the first hoping for references to William Wallace, and why I came home after 2 hours with one book on william wallace, one book on edward the first that I was too lazy to scan through for references while in the library and 3 photocopied pages. Also it has been 5 and a half months since I started dating my bf and 3 weeks since I've seen him :( He FINALLY decided to try to do well in school and now he's working like a dog and doesn't have time to see me. God I miss him.

doo dee dum

dum dee dum dum dum, I am so happy. I love my boyfriend. He is so cute. IT'S BEEN 4 MONTHS! YAY! Also I'm half watching the academy awards, I'm very very sleepy, and I think I will have to call his house soon because he's not on msn! (grr)Yup that's my story. see ya later!


Wow my last entry was soooooo long ago, I don't even want to type out everything that's happened since then because too much has happened. But the most important thing that's happened was our last camp reunion. One of our camp friends who didn't come to the first reunion had this really emo msn name (I always respond to those, don't ask y) so I started talking to him and then I invited him to the camp reunion in hopes that it'd cheer him up. By the end EVERYONE knew that we would end up dating except for one person (lmao scatman..). The next day I asked him out and we've been dating since! I'm so happy!! I haven't liked anyone this much in years, if at all. So I'm really excited for this weekend even though it's going to be really awkward. I'm going on a day trip fishing this Saturday which I thought would just be me and my dad and maybe George, so I invited my BF to come along (my dad said I could though he didn't know we were dating). Well now it's me, my dad, George and my brother which is practically the whole group and my BF. Ontop of that I sent my dad an email at lunch today and I told him we were dating, and he told George, and by the end of the school day I already had 2 or 3 emails making fun of me :( lol (thus the awkwardness). But I haven't seen my BF since the camp reunion (which was nearly a month ago) and I'm so excited to see him like I don't think anyone could possibly understand. This weekend is like all I talk about, I can't wait!!
So yeah I'm a little annoyed now because me and my ex were supposed to meet today so he could tell me whats going on but we didn't and he hasn't been on msn at all and I really wanna know what this has all been about. I think he may even be avoiding me/avoiding telling me. I don't even care how he tells me I just wanna know. arrrrgh. So yeah, that's the drama in my life right now. In other news my New York trip was so much fun tho I didn't end up seeing my arctic friend which sucked. The weekend before that I had a reunion at wonderland with my camp friends which was unbelievably fun to the point that we're having a Fearfest party reunion on October 14th. This week on wednesday I have a doctors appointment so I can figure out what this guy did to my wrist when we were at Wonderland (he pulled me backward and let go and I fell), cuz it's reached the point that I can't write and I have to bring my laptop to school. Thursday I'm supposed to go to installation if the prefects rehearsal (SUPPOSED to lol, like I'd actually go to that), but instead I'm going to see Evanescence with some of my friends and staying over at one of their houses (I know, I don't really like evanescence lol, but it'll be fun anyway). On Friday we're all going to the actual Installation of the Prefects (eew), and then coming back to my house to watch cheep asian movies and play video games. Then I'm off to my grands' for Thanksgiving. Hopefully before then a certain someone will tell me a certain something that's been bugging me!!! (HINT HINT).


Yay!! I'm so happy! lol. I had heard some bad stuff about y my ex broke up with me but turns out he still cares!! (BLISS!!) He wants to talk about what all this was about in person which can't be good but his friend said he still wanted to go out with me, and honestly I'm just happy to know that he cares, even if we're not going out. I'll worry about what he'll say to me in person later, for now I have a trip of fabulosity to the great city of NEW YORK! (never been lol). Bye for now!
TO STALKER AND ALL ELSE WHO CARE..I never knew I could feel so bad, I meen honestly. It's been 3 months and 11 days and my bf broke up with me. And I don't think I've ever liked him more than I do now and this is when it happens. To further things over the time we were dating he became my best friend, and of course I want to tell all my feelings to and get help from my best friend, who in this case caused all this. And I saw it coming too. I noticed things were a bit different since he got back from camp, but I just waved it off as nothing. The last night I saw him before we broke up it was awkward, and I thought it was because of something to do with me, but turns out it was cuz he was trying to make me happy even tho he didn't like me the way I like him so it was all one sided. And I keep coming up with false hopes, like maybe it was cuz he was worried we wouldn't get to see eachother enough, especially in the winter, and I even asked my mom and I'm now aloud to do things on weeknights but from what he told me that's not the case. And I've come up with so many other false hopes too. I just can't seem to comprehend what changed, I keep thinking it would be easier if I could understand. I look back at what we had in the summer and keep thinking if things were like that then how could they be so different now? I just wish we could rewind somehow, and maybe things would go differently. I just don't know who to turn to or what to do anymore.

Another Update for my Other Stalker

Once again I am posting for you Sarah. So be happy lol. I am in Ireland right now at my best friend's house and her dad is bugging her but it's kinda funny. I've been here since the 3rd of August, and I come home on the 17th. It's pretty awesome here, I went to Dublin a couple days ago and did a hop on hop off tour and did the tour of the Guiness Storehouse/Brewery, and at the end I drank some of my friend's sisters free pint of Guiness (she had a fake ID with her though she's legal here as of today). I can say with much certainty that Guiness in Ireland tastes way better than Guiness at home, and I keep hearing that it's because it doesn't travel well. Also I get to meet all of my friend's friends, and they're all pretty cool. Only problem is I can't talk to my bf untill the last week of summer and then only by phone. Oh well, lol, there's more to life. Also we were gonna do a tour tommorow but I don't think we will since the weather's supposed to suck so we'll probably just meet up with the guy we met up with today. If only he had msn, lol. He's cool but if he doesn't get msn I can't talk to him when I go back home. That is my news.

Updates for Stalkers

I am only posting this because I have had complaints from one of my stalkers AKA sarah that I do not post enough and she therefore cannot stalk me. So I'm posting. I have been at home for a couple weeks now. I went to a bunch of gigs in the first week, one of which is where me and my BF were found out by my mom, and I got dragged to see Panic! At the Disco (who I don't really like but meh, it was a night out). Then people stayed at my house for a while swimming. The next day we had my irish friend's BF over to swim and my moms friends son came later. (All these pool things are very fun. Especially the air fights lol). Then I went to one of my school friend's houses for her b-day party, which was unbelievably awesome, I had so much fun. I stayed the night, was picked up and went to winners where I got a skirt, a tank top, super fluffy sandals and a pair of brown knitted clogs (I <3 tackyness). And now I am sitting at home listening to music from the yahoo site and typing on my livejournal. Such has been the time between Muskoka and now. I realize I skipped alot like the fact that my BF is at his cottage and will be for the rest of the week and then I'm going to Niagara for a couple days (*tear*), ot the "in bed" thing (say in bed after everthing u say), etc, but I'm too lazy to type out all of it (and I didn't actually just type out all of it, theres much more I could say but I'm tired and wanna go to sleep). Goodnight all.